Lately I have felt really out of sorts. I feel tired, I feel restless, and overall, in a bad mood. I know that this hot weather is not helping matters, but just a few days ago, I discovered the problem. I have lost my balance. I have zero balance this summer. Why? I have no child care for my soon to be six year old daughter.
I have tried to embrace the fact that Emma is not in any sort of camp and instead we enrolled her in "mommy camp", where she gets to share in the joys of schlepping around with me to work three mornings a week, along with my guitar, big heavy bag, shakers, and sometimes even a parachute, and we get to save a thousand dollars. Then there are my shows. She is dragged around too early in the morning, usually eating breakfast on the way, only to share me with lots and lots of little kids and their grown ups. Not exactly what she would call the best summer of her life. Or would she?
Emma loves to be with me. She is always concerned about where I am and what I am doing and what I am working on on the computer, and is it her turn to "work" on the computer yet? We are attached at the hip. We do everything together, from grocery shopping to laundry to getting pedicures to dressing her new American Girl Doll, we are a team. This is truly a wonderful time in our lives. I should embrace this time. I should rejoice in the beauty of our girlness. And I do. For the most part.
It's that other part that is driving me crazy. The part that can't breathe and needs to walk at a regular pace for five minutes please. The part of me that needs to go to Yoga once a week and to meditate in the mornings and the part of me that needs so badly to just sit in peace and quiet in the evenings and can't stop looking at the clock until Daddy gets home. Dave tries to help me out, but he is focused on his "backyard project" at the moment, and this is what consumes his after work hours...
Last week, I got a break. Albert offered to take Emma and Sebastian to see a movie. It was heaven. I had 2 hours to myself and I got an amazing amount of work done. Then, two nights later, they went and saw another movie. I went to my usual Wednesday night Yoga class without the usual guilt. It was great. The kids came home happy, and I came home refreshed. Tonight, though, really takes the cake. I actually feel as if I am on vacation. Sebastian has a friend over. They have been happily playing Wii for the past 2+ hours (ok, it IS summer vacation after all), and have "allowed" Emma to watch. I have not heard a peep out of her except for the laughs and cries of approval of great gaming, or the occasional cry for food or drink. It's been lovely. It's been heaven. This is the balance I have been looking for! I feel like myself again. If we could just implement this routine every night for the rest of the summer until school starts again...
Usually for me, birthdays are bitter sweet. I always feel my age and I usually question my direction in life. Should I be doing this anymore? Am I making a difference? Mostly though, on my birthday, I just want to feel special. I had to perform 3 times over my birthday weekend to very diverse crowds. The first party was at an organic bakery in Jersey City and it was a tiny little place packed with high energy kids of all ages. I brought Albert with me, and we arrived early, like I like. I was a bit frantic trying to set everything up amongst tons of little kids and a face painter who still had a line of customers, but somehow we pulled it off. When I looked up to start the set, I saw lots of shining faces. Not just on the kids, but on the grown ups. I guess some of them knew who I was, and the others were eager to find out... Ah, the pressure. We started singing and it was so much fun. The kids were dancing from the very beginning, and shakers were flying. There was a lot of laughter and, well, it was also fun playing with Albert. He cracks me up, and he had practiced a lot, so it sounded pretty good. I was proud of him, and so grateful that I wasn't there by myself. We were very well received and got lots of hugs and thank you's at the end, in addition to some free cupcakes. Totally worth it. At the second party (a bit smaller and more mellow), the Mom of the 4 year old birthday boy told me that he watches my DVD every day and knows all of the words by heart. He soon proved it by standing right next to me the whole time singing his little heart out and playing his brand new ukulele! All of his friends seemed to remember me as well, and were very much into singing and dancing along with us. It was pretty awesome. Then, his Dad and a friend joined in playing some pretty incredible African drums on the last three songs! It was so much fun I almost felt guilty charging them for the party...The next party was different. Lots of people, lots of balloons, a bit of "typical birthday party chaos" and a little three year old whom I had never met before who also apparently knew most of my songs and had a special request set list. I wasn't sure how this one would go as I had never met the family before, and well, you never know. This little girl sat through the entire 45 minute set with a big smile on her face. Albert was joining me on bass again, and we went for it. There was a range of ages, but those kids lasted the entire time. I was asked to end the party with "Ten Thousand Kisses," and the birthday Mom promptly sat her daughter on her lap and rocked her to the entire song. It's a long song. After the set, she thanked me for coming and said that I really made her little girl's birthday special. Then, the birthday Dad told me that he had to leave the room the first few times he heard Ten Thousand Kisses because he was so emotional, and he told me that he really enjoyed my singing and my songwriting. That was really gratifying for me to hear. I was happy. I was exhausted. That night, as tired as I was, Dave took me out for sushi. Albert and Jen took the kids. It was so nice to just relax and have a Sapporo and some good food with my husband. We talked about goals, and we talked about the kids, and we talked about us. Yesterday, my 39th birthday, was all for "me." I started out the day with a meditation and felt really good about the direction that I am going. I got tons of phone messages, e-cards, and FB posts. Both my parents and my sister and her family sung to me, and they made me choke up. I had quiet time, and I had family time. My perfect balance. My family brought me my favorite chocolate cake and some handmade cards and some cool, new clothes. It couldn't have been any better. And you know what? I felt special.
